Holding onto grudges can be toxic to our health and wellbeing. Similar to constipation, the inner turmoil keeps building up inside, making us sick and dragging us down. To find relief we must find a way to flush it all out.
Forgiveness has the power to be that relief. It’s a healing cleanse that moves all the icky stuff out. It can be the life changing magic we need to lighten our load, reduce our stress and free us to move forward and feel happy.
We can break down forgiveness into two parts. The first is to recognize and acknowledge what we are holding on to, and the second, we learn how to let it go.
What are you holding on to?
In his book “Forgive For Good “, Dr. Fred Luskin, Director of the Stanford Forgiveness Project, equates holding on to grievances with renting out space in your mind for them to reside in.
What a clever analogy, to envision your mind as your home, the place you live in every day of your life, the place that you want to spend time in, and the place that should bring you comfort and great joy.
By filling your home with love and positive thoughts, you make it warm and welcoming, a peaceful retreat, a place to go when you need a quiet space. You can bring art into your home to inspire creativity, or music to soothe your soul, or books to take you on adventures worlds away.
But, by holding onto grudges, you inadvertently let something into your home that feels cold, irritating and offensive. These grievances and resentments end up intruding into your precious space. They are hostel guests who have been allowed to make their way into your home, and they are rude, arrogant and careless.
So, think for a moment, who or what is taking up space in your home that you don’t want living there? Have you given your grievances free reign to every room in your house? Are you feeding them and making them comfortable? Are they annoying and hurtful to you? Are they making you miserable? In other words, how much control do your grievances have on your life?
Most of us probably have grudges that have been lurking around for years that we don’t even remember. Every now and then, things resurface from ages ago and we wonder “where did that come from?”. Your mind is amazing and has a way of tucking things back in that hall closet without you even realizing it.
When you find your home, this precios space that you live in every day of your life, is not lifting you up, making you happy and keeping you healthy, then maybe it is time to clean house and send these grievances on their way. Because holding onto past hurts and resentments not only makes you miserable and intrudes on your peace, they will soon begin to fester and start showing up as pain, illness, anxiety and stress.
So time for a spring cleaning, where we go through the house room by room, opening up all the windows to let in the sunshine and clean fresh air. We go through our junk drawers, the garage, the hall closet, that stinky moldy place in the attic. We look everywhere to find those grievances that just won’t go away, and we ask ourselves, who hurt us, who caused us pain, who left us feeling less worthy, who talked down to us or made fun of us, who violated our trust, who took advantage of us, who didn’t appreciate us or who lied to us.
We go all the way back as far as we can remember, to our earliest childhood memories, one by one, identifying each experience, each encounter, and each circumstance that brought us pain. All these things that are still in our precious space that we don’t need any more. We need to find them and put them in the pile “need to forgive and let go”.
And while we go through this process of uncovering, it is sometimes easier if we look on as an outsider looking in, holding back our opinions and judgements. We only acknowledge what is hurting us and what doesn’t bring us joy. Like in Marie Kondo’s book, “The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up”, we are tidying up our mind, keeping only those things that spark joy, that inspire us, that build us up, keep us healthy, and make us feel loved.
We may find by going through this process, that many of the “who’s” are actually us. We were the ones who made a bad decision, we were the ones who talked down to ourselves, and we were the ones who let ourselves down and we are the ones who need forgiveness.
Again, even when we find that the “who” is ourselves, we look on as an observer, without opinion or judgement and just acknowledge that our shame and regret is not serving us, not lifting us up or not bringing us joy, and we need to put it in the pile “need to forgive and let go”.
Making ourselves aware of what we have been carrying around and who we have allowed into our most sacred space, is the most important step in healing. We can’t forgive and heal what we don’t see or what we have hidden from ourselves, so the first step in forgiveness, is to recognize and acknowledge who is in your house, what is causing you pain and what needs to go. Only then will we have the clarity and courage to send them out, to heal and to move forward.
So now we move onto the hard part, how do we go about getting this shit out of our house.
Learning to forgive and let go
We have now gone through our house and have all these piles of “need to forgive and let go” and we get stuck, because when we hear the word forgive, we think it means reconciliation, that we need to say “I forgive you” and let them stay in your house.
The type of forgiveness I am talking about has nothing to do with reconciliation, or admitting what was done to us is ok.
The type of forgiveness I am talking about is the simple process of identifying who is intruding in on your precious space, and learning how to let go and move on.
This has everything to do with you. Others may benefit from your act of forgiveness, and that is good, however, you will benefit most. This is about your health, your peace of mind and your power to take control over who is allowed into your house and choose joy.
Let’s say while doing your house cleaning, the first thing you come across is your grievance against someone who cut you off in traffic. You are still fuming inside at the incident. But here they are, sitting at your kitchen table, and you’re feeding them. They have turned on music you hate, left the dirty dishes in your sink and mud on your floor. So tell me, why are they still in your house?
When you find your home, this precios space that you live in every day of your life, is not lifting you up, making you happy and keeping you healthy, then maybe it is time to clean house and send these grievances on their way.
That person doesn’t even know who you are, so you are not going to go find them to say I forgive you, and what they did was not ok, it was unsafe and it was careless. But by holding onto the anger, you’re keeping them in your house and letting them intrude in on your space, you’re letting them choose what music they like and messing up your home. So, in order to get them out, you need to find a way to forgive and let go so you can be at peace, because carrying this grudge around with you, will only cause more pain and make your house a depressing place to live in.
As Marie Condo said in her book, “Life truly begins after you have put your house in order”.
So how do we find ways to take back control of our house, our most precious space, and to forgive and move forward?
Forgiveness is not a one size fits all and it is harder for some to let go and move on than others. Grievances stemming from a life of emotional and physical abuse for example, are sometimes too painful to even admit are in your house, yet the only way to move on and be happy, is to forgive and send those grievances away.
Most important is that we recognize the power forgiveness gives us to take back control of our home, and to find what works for us.
Here are some ideas you could try to help you learn to forgive and let go:
- Visualization – Visualization is a helpful tool in learning to let go. The example of visualizing our mind as our home is a good place to start. Who are the unwanted intruders, and how do you get them to leave? Negativity cannot survive in the healing power of love, so fill your house with love and they will be forced to leave.
- Mindfulness and meditation –
- Get inspiration from the stories of others, on how they have learned to forgive and how the act of forgiveness has literally changed their lives. A good resource for this is StoryCorps.
- Stop being the victim and take back your power. Instead of complaining about everything bad that has happened to you, look for ways to make it better.
- Find a support group or seek professional counseling
- Pray – many people find a spiritual approach is deeply comforting and healing
- Practice gratitude – by acknowledging what is good in our lives makes it easier to let go of what isn’t
- Hoʻoponopono – this is a Hawaiian practice of forgiveness that consists of four short mantras. “I’m sorry”, “please forgive me”, “thank you”, and “I love you”. It is believed by repeating these mantras over and over, it can bring things back in balance
Whatever approach you take, learning to forgive can be the life changing magic you need to heal every part of your life.
Be well my friend, the power is in you to forgive, and to let go.
Deborah